Abandon Ship?

Dear blog-type friends.

I have not abandoned this blog.

really I haven't.

I need more motivation and currently I am funnelling all of that into school and now my "new" (read: life long battle) focus of the gym.

I hereby do solemnly swear to give more time to write and that will be coming very soon. From then on - posts more often. Do I smell New Year's resolutions?

I wish I could link back to every entry that had this same effect.. that would have been a good touch.

:) until then!

Light up the Darkness

It takes incredible strength to go through heartache; to overcome a loss, an illness or change.

Sometime ago, I documented my 2009 year, a year of change, a year of worry and strife, now of which I call retrospective strength. I plan on tattooing that phrase on my back in order to commemorate the year behind me, the incredible strength of overcoming personal illness and recuperation - as well as the strength of those who stood beside me.

This philosophical endeavour came to me when Blondie was spayed - I know it's just a dog but indulge me a moment. I brought her home from the vet dazed, confused and in pain. I sat with her on the couch with her in my lap and in her haze, she would, wobbling, stand on my lap confused and look at me - a small whine and then whimper until I would gently place her back in my lap. I would well up with tears watching her - confused, tired, in pain- and think "I can't help you". I called my mom and told her just how upset I was that I couldn't do anything and realized as I spoke with her - I am speaking about a dog to a woman that sat 18 hours a day for months on end by a hospital bed watching her daughter fight the very same - confused, tired and in pain. My mom gently said "just be there, she will be comforted". I think my mom realized the connection as well.

~

Recently I have seen those around me suffer the same - a grief of loss or change that is uncontrollable. I find myself in a position where I cannot step in to help, I cannot ease pain but in my heart I know just a fraction of what they are feeling I have been on the "same plain" of hurt. You feel like your body is betraying you and that you will never be the same. Although this is true, we are irrevocably changed, it is a strength we must find to continue on. A very dear friend, almost a sister, said to me "we are all walking with blinders on not even paying attention to the people around us when really we could be passing people in the very same position. It's like 'wake up' people we could go through this together!" She does admit that it took her some time before she herself could "wake-up" and speak to others regarding her grief, but she does speak now, she communicates about change, and how from darkness she steps into light.

I am a positive person, I pride myself on this fact. However, there are times when I can now speak about 2009 with my "retrospective strength" but in my mind I recall the lowest points. The points where I did not feel the next day was going to come.

But it does.

so to those who may struggle, as the immortal Bob Marley says "light up the darkness"

I don't want to alarm you..

But you have a shark on your lap.

...and that's not a euphemism.

Marking will be the end of me.

If ever you wonder - "hey, why doesn't Jackie update as often as she used to" - not that I ever was a regular poster, or that you would even bother with such frivolous things.

Either way...below is the reason why I don't really get to do things I enjoy

marking, marking, marking and more marking. This is the aftermath of procrastination.

There is good news and bad news:

The good news is I finished AND was still able to do some other things I wanted : search for halloween costumes, laundry, clean the house AND finish watching the 3rd season of Mad Men.

The bad news is - I am collecting 2 other assignments this week.

It never ends.

10 Days is all it takes

I started the following blog a week or so ago (about 10 days)... please read:

I think it is safe to say now here in blog land that Dave and I are searching for a new home. After visiting my cousin's gorgeous new home we left with aspirations of our future. Where we wanted to be, what the house would look like. This was of course after a large argument which in reality did not come from anger, and was not even directed at one another, but rather just the outcome of usual frustrations. The largest being - my job. Sadly, being a contract teacher, my job is considered "unstable" as I am not permanent. I am only in my second year (I never count the year I was sick) so in all respect, I am doing much better than other who cannot even get on the supply list - so I am grateful!

Either way, we were frustrated with not being able to move forward, gain more space and most importantly, move closer to family. Within the day, Dave had created a budget and contacted our mortgage specialist. By the end of the long weekend we had been tentatively cleared for an amazing price range and we started looking at homes. Now a week later from all this Dave has spent days perfecting the budget to ensure that we still have "mad money" (read: Lulu lemon shopping sprees) and of course a nest egg/rainy day fun. Now we just need to find the perfect home that meets our (read: my) looooong list of "must haves". This presents excitement, a challenge and most important a much needed and desired change. I will be sure to keep you all in the loop on our exciting search.

....

Well - now, as I said this was 10 days ago - and currently as I take a break from my marking I look up to the overhead printer to see that Dave is printing off our tentative mortgage information (or something of the like). That's right - we bought a house.A gorgeous 2600 sq. ft home, meeting all our requirements and then some. Most importantly it's closer to family and friends - best of all, 5 small blocks from my sister.

We don't move until June 2011 - so stayed tuned for all the home details I prepare in the meanwhile.

A month!? really!?

Oh hi Blog. it's been forever since I updated you - one day short of a month!

So since it has been so very long, let's recap what has happened in a month's time.

I have to say I am proud of myself and my teaching abilities in math. I have worked hard to review concepts, and in some cases outright learn them, and then I make sure I have ample ways to teach my disengaged students. Dave has been a huge help and practices his patience to teach me, or answer my questions. He has also reminded me that in this "challenge", I am also conquering a big regret in my life. Often I look back and think in remorse of my former inabilities in the subject, and even though I am no where near an academic level, I feel more confident and capable everyday.

I had just misunderstood math but in reality we share many similarities - we only have one right answer, there is a strict method and order and if you follow it you will be rewarded with a correct answer. We both have unanswered variables that we need to solve by sorting out, or balancing.

...but in the end I am an English teacher to the core, as you may have noticed I just created a comparison of math to my own life and persona.

On September 23, my heart was heavy as I glared at my calendar and the event of "Bernies Birthday". He would have been 40. I wrote on his Facebook wall, I had to acknowledge it somehow and for me I guess that was the best way.

Then again on October 1st, a lump in my throat stuck as I walked through the doors of a big charity event. A charity bash created by and for my friend Lindsay - raising awareness and funds for brain tumor research. This would be the first bash without her. As Cheryl and I walked in we heard a video playing and were able to catch the last few moments. An amazing tribute to a strong woman and all the good she had done. In the end they played a clip of her speaking from the first bash night. It was the first time I heard her speak in a year, and although I had looked at pictures often there is something about a voice that we can never imagine or recreate. To end the video was a clip of Linds dancing like a fool- a video that had been on facebook for a while but without sound. On this night they had added Madonna's "Hung Up" - and amazingly light and fun way to end the video and keep things positive. Later I spoke with good friends and as we recounted memories I noted that this would be one pain that I just don't think I will ever be rid of. It may get easier to speak about as time goes on but I don't think the pain will ever go. Before leaving a purchased a silver 'B' necklace and haven't taken it off since.

On a lighter note on September 30 I turned 27. I am always excited for birthdays but I never plan anything because it almost always ends in disappointment. This year I opted for dinner on Friday with friends and a walk through Nuit Blanche. My mom had given Dave and I a comp. night for a Toronto hotel, and my in-laws agreed happily to watch Blondie (our little furbaby). A wonderful night all around!

B and I celebrating at dinner - he was born on the 29th.

Dave and I doing what we do best - be silly.

can't type. too tired.

day two completed and I am wiped.

can barely stay awake and if it wasn't for an impromptu skype call to Australia I would be in bed by now.

...and now I'm off.

More details as I regain consciousness.

here is a picture of my favourite little guy

Blondie update

In other news, little pup Blondie is adapting well to being home alone for a longer span - I hope she keeps this up as mid-terms or exams come around!

Here is her latest, and greatest "trick"

...watch for the leap!

The call

I didn't wait too long - a few hours and the call was received. I was offered a position for one semester at a wonderful school.

...and yes, it did include the math. I would start tomorrow (Wednesday).

On Wednesday I put on a casual, comfortable yet powerful outfit complete with my lucky sandals, ready to meet new people and start a new page. I arrived 10 minutes before the start time - not too keen and early, but just enough to say "I am professional". Apparently TOO professional - today was "breezy" and started "around" a time. I introduced myself to those around me, and as each new person entered, I was sure to continue my kind "hello, I'm Jackie, I'm new to the school" and each person would give a welcome followed by a "where are you coming from?" or "how long have you been an LTO?" (contract teacher). There were moments of "Jackie" very fun, lively telling a story or a joke and then there were other times of my shy, reserved self that would poke through.

"Teaching one math!? really!! you are brave!"

"you have a math background?" - as if they could see plainly on my face that not one stitch of my body enjoyed math.

each time I responded the same, almost as if I was asked about religion.

"I am believer of math but I am not a big practicer" people giggled at this - but it's true. I WANT to be able to do formulas, answer equations, graph but at a young age I told myself "I can't" and just gave up. Plain and simple. I am quite honest to those who ask - it is one of my regrets in life.

Now I can regain some of it - find a new passion in teaching it as well as learning it. I am older , I have gained more life experience so I can't help but think - will this be like that novel I read in grade 10 and hated - only to love at age 20.

Today at school was a bit different - the feeling of the new person began to resonate and each time I got nervous or scared I reminded myself of how I felt at my previous position both at the beginning of the year and then at the end. It is very comparable to a young child going to sleep-away camp for the first time, crying "I don't want to go!" only to beg to stay longer when it was over.

It will take time, as most things do.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I try to pride myself on being a strong, confident woman but often I get tested - as we all do - and feel apart from my natural person.

In becoming a teacher there are dues to pay, some pass through easy, others have it more difficult. My own journey, although so far short, has only been tested by personal hurdles - a long 6 month battle with a terrible disease, that I inevitable won. (athankyou). Now, the waiting I have been doing is on the cusp of being squashed - a tentative job offer for one semester. A due to be paid - not a full year, just half.

This position has it's pro's and cons and one large, loaded statement of "Jackie the issue is that this position's schedule has one math course"

Living most my life as a storybook, movie or pop culture reference I immediately hear the music from the graveyard duel in "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" - which if you haven't seen please click here for better reference and go to the 1.42 mark for the best part.

All I could utter was a meek "oh"

Math. My old, but faithful arch enemy. My biggest weakness. The largest hurdle I have yet to beat.

I humbly admitted my weakness and my trepidations with teaching the subject but also stated my unwillingness to let this opportunity pass. I then asked for some time, just half an hour to go through my resources in order to make a better decision. As soon as I put down the phone, I broke down crying and it must have been fate that Dave was working from home to not only console me but to put everything into perspective. After a quick consultation with a friend who teaches math I felt like I was putting together my own Ocean's 11. I had my team ready to help.

I put the call in, stated with pride that I could handle it, I have the resources, I have the dedication and effort to put forth a great course.

The end of the phone call, however, did not end with a congratulations but rather a "we will call you back later on today with the final outcome."

What? So no job? I got worked up to just wait some more.

So here I am, waiting, but hopefully not for long.

RING PHONE RING

I have a post coming about my recent travels to the exotic beaches of Clearwater Florida but as of right now I'm in the terrible funk of waiting.

I am a contract teacher waiting for a permanent job, but until then I wait for a contract position.

The days are counting down and I pace by the phone. I clean everything. I tried to read but after a page I think "was that the phone?" I check my e-mail constantly. If the phones does ring I always answer with a very professional "hello?" but the subtext is (hello, I am professional and you should hire me). If it's a friend or family member I rush them off the phone even though I have call waiting.

and still...nothing.

I am surrounded by "it will come..", "positive thoughts..", "I'm thinking about you" and my favourite "well don't wait, because a watched pot doesn't boil" - which just makes me angry because yes! yes it does boil! but if you do something else you forget about it and turn around and hear that awful sound of water spilling over onto the element.

..nothing... I wait.

One friend got a job Monday. She called me excited, and truthfully I was excited for her but in the back of my mind I think about why I haven't even gotten an interview. She must have heard my secret thoughts and without hesitation "you'll get your call soon!"

... I keep waiting...

Yesterday another friend and I went out and he told me about his interview for today. After the interview I get a call - it went well, we will see what happens. Hours later -he got it. Hours after the interview! I shouldn't talk that happened to me last year. Again, happy for him but oh I wish I could be excited for me!

...so I wait.

ring phone, ring.

Family Packed weekend

BUSY weekend!

On Thursday I was all excited for a night away and as I jumped into a very late shower, Dave was entertaining our "fur children"...

When I got out, this is what I found...

On Friday, my mother and I put the roof down on her convertible (all with many jokes to 'Thelma and Lousie') and drove to Buffalo for some light outlet shopping before turning right around and stopping at our destination - a lovely resort/spa in Niagara. This is one "perk" of her job - she is often invited out on these "fam" trips, "fam" to represent "familiarization" to check out a venue, hotel or other location. This is all to basically wine and dine her into using their facilities for one of her company's big events. My mother works for a very large communications company and she is the director for events in the business sector. Or as I like to call her "the head honcho for parties". Luckily I got to tail along on this trip because it involved the Shaw Festival, and my father was not interested. We were definitely treated well to our dinner and then swept away to see "An Ideal Husband" an Oscar Wilde play at the Shaw Festival. I loved it- I walked away with an excellent stage English accent saying things like "quite so" and "shall we to supper?" We entered our room, tired from a very full day to a lovely arrangement of chocolate covered strawberries, and sugar cookies. I divulged to my mom that if I were in her position I would be easily persuaded to hold events at any location as long as they treated me to chocolate covered strawberries.

The next morning we ate an amazing breakfast and had I not left my phone in the room I would have taken a picture of the glorious breakfast buffet. In my mind I imagine the dining area of heaven to be quite like our breakfast area - white crisp linens overlooking an amazing patio, smells of freshly brewed orange juice and coffee, wafts of pastry breads and breakfast meats pile together to entice every molecule of your being. The white plates of varying sizes offer a strike contrast to the brightly coloured fruit that topples them.

Since we woke up late (God bless the inventor of the "blackout curtains") we were quickly whisked back onto a bus and headed to Hillebrand winery for a tour and of course - an another amazing meal outside.

Pointing out the grapes, with my glass of Trius sparkling wine.

View from my spot at lunch - glorious.

Not to be outdone by my view, Dave sent me what he was looking at...

(yes our cat is on a leash - he loves the outdoors, but we are afraid he will run away, so we just use it as a precaution and we NEVER walk him.)

Mother and daughter team. You can see the resemblance.

Full to the brim, we said our goodbyes and headed back into the convertible back home.

Sunday was the 8th annual family picnic - and as annual as the picnic, came the rain - we still pressed on as usual. As I munched on peppers, greens and fresh tomatoes I laughed with cousins and then spent some great quality time playing with my little 2nd cousin Kyla, letting Dave fend off all the family members saying "you're next!"

Zio with Kyla.

In a wink, we were back in the car off to Dave's parents for an early dinner - which we, still full from the picnic, did not eat - instead we played with our nephew, and watched Blondie play with her cousin Maurice.

My artistic photo...

Some models are so hard to work with..

I am realizing that summer is almost over - we are days away from our 1 year anniversary which will be spent in Florida and I still have so much I want to do!

SLOW DOWN SUMMER!

Show time!

It seems that my past week has been focused on theatre, and I have relished in every moment of it.

Every so often the women in my family gather together for dinner and a show. 3 mothers each with 2 daughters tumble into cars, usually rushing because of work, hair, makeup, clothes or related "disasters". Last Tuesday was one of those beloved nights and the show was "Love, Loss and What I Wore" or more appropriately, the Toronto link here.

5 actresses, including two of my favourite Canadians - Mary Walsh (This Hour has 22 Minutes) and Andrea Martin (SCTV) - sat on high bar chairs with music stands infront holding red binders filled with stories.

The show is based from the stories of a woman named Ilene Beckerman. She retold the story of her life by drawing dresses and giving the significance behind them in a warm and relatable yet deeply personal way. Sisters Nora and Delia Ephron took this small collection and built on it to show the amazing connection of clothing to a woman's life story. The connections are uncanny, and as these 5 women each take on different personas and recount their tales you cannot help but think of similar experiences. More than once my cousins, my sister and I would poke each other, squealing "that's me!" or "that's so you!"

From childhood dresses, gifts from mom, what mom or grandma would say, prom, the dressing room and of course THE CLOSET we found ourselves thinking of my own experiences, and the pieces that shaped our lives.

This started to be the trend this past week - shows that is. On the Tuesday my aunt, a season ticket holder to Mirvish productions passed on her tickets to "Legally Blonde" for the following night (then Wednesday). She had told us about the Broadway show that her and my cousins saw the last time they were in New York in which Kristin Chenoweth (Glee, Wicked, overall Broadway STAR!) played Elle Woods. "She is playing the role here too!" although skeptical, and yet not overly concerned, my sister and I would repeat our Tuesday night out for a little sorella time on Wednesday.

I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised by the colourful, fun and catchy production of Legally Blonde. The cast played into their roles as the overly dramatic scenes went on, and even still there were glimmers of honest relationships as well as serious moments. During the intermission, my sister and I couldn't help but sing the opening song of "Oh My God!" over and over again. Even though Kristin Chenoweth was not the lead actress, the alternative was amazing and able to carry on the high pitched, bubbly personality that both Elle Woods and Kristin Chenoweth are known for.

The fun did not stop there, but unfortunately this blog must! On the weekend I was able to attend a little getaway with my mom to Niagara where we were wine'd and dine'd and even treated to a show at the Shaw Festival...but more on that later...

Rain, Rain and Poop!

These are the days that people think about when someone says "we are going to get a dog".

These are the days that people remember what happened to make them re-think there decision of getting a dog

These are the days you want to throw up your hands and say "I surrender!"

...

So what is my "day"?

Well this morning at 5am (as per usual) the cat came and tried to stir Dave and I from our sleep. We would usual ignore him until 6am but now with Blondie - she starts to whine, we assume she is whining about the cat being up and playful and not her but to teach her that she will be taken immediately outside from the crate we get up and do just that. Actually since Dave is up with her at 6 - I have the midnight shift so anything in between the time we fall asleep and the 6am alarm clock is my job.

So I get up and take her outside - it is POURING rain - she cowers under my legs, I walk to encourage her to go, then she whimpers and finally cries really loudly as she attempts to run back to the house. I make her sit, follow my commands and then we go back inside. I am tired - she pees almost instantly on the front runner. (Oh, that's why I don't have carpets) I say NO! and take her right back outside to repeat the before mention outside events.

As I am coming back inside for the second time, Jack Sparrow runs outside and into the dark morning rain. I yell to Dave "Jack Sparrow ran out and I can't see!". I can hear him yell something but it's too late, I am already back out in the pouring rain looking for Jack Sparrow. I call to him as I make my way to the backyard. He must be scared, so I figure he can't go far. I notice him in the neighbours bushes on the side of the house, pick him up and cart him back inside to a waiting Dave and Blondie. I tell Dave to go back to sleep, I got it now. He retreats back upstairs but not before he can tell both Jack Sparrow and Blondie "be good! Don't kill your mother!"

Defeated, I think of what plan B could be to train Blondie to pee in the rain- I search online and think - maybe open the garage? let her pee there so it feels like we are outside. Just then I see her searching to poop. Before I can get over to her, I yell "NO!" and pick her up to bring her outside. From upstairs I can hear Dave say "what happened!?" A nugget drops from her behind onto the floor...it was all slow-motion...I step in it, almost falling, I hold her to protect her should I fall (mother instincts), foot in poop I make my way to the door. By now Dave and I have had a short conversation in loud yelps.

"What happened!?!"

"She pooped!"

"take her outside!"

"I am - I stepped in the poop!"

"are you okay?"

"I stepped in poop!!!!"

* note - the word poop was actually used - I tend to prefer to use that term over "shit" when talking about actual bowel movements. Although in retrospect I think SHIT would have been much more apropos.

Dave rushes to my aide, takes her outside as I clean her poop from my foot, and the trail left from her initial accident. We attempt to bring her outside together to show her it's not scary. We make an excellent team - a sight to see really. Two of us in matching rain coats, and flip flops, standing an inch apart with a trembling puppy in between our arms as we gently repeat "it's okay...it's okay". Despite our best efforts she still whimpers and cries, once she sits and becomes somewhat calm I give her a treat but still nothing.

Back inside she chases Jack Sparrow, Dave returns to bed, I return to minding the "children at play". I take a few seconds to run upstairs to get some paperwork I need to do on the computer downstairs - I'm up, I might as well get something done! I knock over things on my desk, making a clatter I throw my hands up and say "I give up!" I come back downstairs to some poop on the floor, and a confused Jack Sparrow trying to clean it up with imaginary litter and his paw.

Now 6 am, I feed the two monsters, the rain lets up enough that Blondie can go outside and pee, I praise her like her urine was a magical elixir to cure all the evil in the world. She whimpers and tried to run back to the house as the thunder rolls. I laugh to myself and say "you have appeased the Gods Blondie, you may return inside."

Now 6:30am, the cat has made his way back to daddy in a warm bed, with a full belly. Blondie, full and tired sleeps on my lap as I type this.

Yes. this morning was frustrating. Yes, I wanted to cry more than once. Yes, I wish I was sleeping.

BUT

These are the days that happen.

These are the days of bitter in exchange for the sweet.

This was just a morning - the day could get better.

I orginally wrote this as an e-mail to my parents and sister (which they are probably re-reading here) however my momma responded with an amazing e-mail that made me tear up - so I would like to share that here...

***

My darling daughter - things do get better - repeat this mantra because it is true. Although I only had one dog to train our beloved Roccy - and it was difficult - early mornings, chewed shoes, barking, running away. I still look back and realized there is so much reward in the unconditional love they return to you. Training a dog is soooo much shorter than training a baby.

First you have to train yourself to trust that the baby will be ok in its own bed...then you need to train your husband not to panic and yes the baby is breathing yet when he leaves the room you gently put your hand on your precious child's chest just to make sure she is indeed breathing.

Then comes try to train them to sleep more than two or three hours, then when you have succeed to sleep three hours - one morning you sleep for five hours and awake startled that something dreadful has happened and you did not hear you baby! You jump up only to see her sleeping in the small cradle next to you and sigh with pride that she slept that long. Once you have her in a routine -then teething starts and you try to calm your poor baby but nothing helps - you can't take that pain away and with every tear - your heart breaks and you pray that those darn teeth come in so she will be happy again. So many nights spend awake worrying if she make it through the night without the pain waking her...

Then come the nights of stomach pains or cramps, or colic and more sleepless nights....
Then you have some wonderful years where they sleep through the night and you rest well....but it is short lived because if you have a child like mine who has this bright inquisitive mind and imagination there are nights when they will wake you because they had a bad dream....you survive.

Then come the teenage years when they test their limits with their curfew and you spend hours on the couch waiting for them....you survive. Off to University - calm again, yet it is like the quiet storm....you still worry.

......I am only halfway thru and although I have just realized that we were talking about pets - I am talking about you....the moral of the story is that you survive, you make it through at the bumps and this my darling daughter is just the beginning for you...pets are an easy training ground there will be many little bumps but the reward is 100 fold better. I think of you and a smile immediately comes to my face!! WOW I raised an little baby and she grew into this amazing woman!!!

I would have like to continue my journey of raising you but I found myself crying softly, because truly we have had an incredible journey until now and I can't wait for Act Two!!

Love you darling xoxox

***

How can something this cute...

turn into this...

Summer days, drifting away...

Oh Grease - Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era, I dream of a world where everything is musically represented with choreographed moves, not the High School Musical type, but rather more the Bye Bye Birdie, or West Side Story type.

But I digress...

With the arrival of Blondie I have completely forgot to mention all the other fun summer activities/plans that have been underway.

If you remember, I had created some what of a summer wish list - now although "get and train a puppy" was not visible, it was definitely apart of our planning but left out to avoid the obvious focus that a puppy brings. I can hear my father's voice "no, no dogs, they are hard to train" yet I know he is thinking "YES PLEASE!!"

So now in mid July (I refuse to admit that it is close to being over) here is my small update.

1. Beach Volleyball: we had our first meet last Thursday and our team was pumped. I joined this team of 8 knowing only 3 people and this seemed to be the case with the entire team. I enjoy meeting new people but was beyond nervous to play a team sport with them. Especially one that I play so very rarely and have minimal skills in. Regardless we were fast with jokes and full of laughter in just a few short moments that would last the entire 2 hours. By the end I was covered in sweat and sand but felt elated. I missed being on a team.

2. Rowing: Twice a week since the beginning of July I have made my way of the usual 45 minute drive into the city (in traffic, an hour or more) to sit in a boat with 7 other people and have very little control on how the boat moves. This team sport requires all 8 rowers to move in synchronized time in order to keep the boat balanced and moving. It is an incredible feeling when it happens, you swiftly move through the water almost parallel to it, however the opposite is not just choppy, it's terrifying as you tilt toward the water or your blade gets stuck and the end of your oar jabs into your chest. My position is bow or number 1, and along with number 2 we make bow pair - the toughest positions. This is the worst position for someone with control issues. I can see the drunken caterpillar before me as I hear "in 5 strokes, bow join in". I know I need to follow 8, the stroke seat, but there are 6 seats between us that distract and change the boats movements. Once I join in it's full mayhem, my boat rocks and I begin to accept that I will be going into Lake Ontario- an act that not only I fear, but actually deters from my focus of trying to row. I grow furious as the coxswain points out "bow you are not feathering!" - really!? this is what you want to point out. I begin to list out in my head what every other person is doing incorrectly - this is probably what is throwing off my "perfect" stroke.

If anything, learning to row has taught me I need to give up my control, I can only control what I do - and in focusing on everyone else I am not even doing that.

3. House changes (painting, shelving, general decorating): Dave is taking a week stay-cation in August - our plans to go away were gladly pushed aside once we got Blondie and instead we are going to work on making those small (I use that term lightly) changes in the house. However I think we will readdress what "must be done" and what is actually feasible.

4. Recipes: Dave is mastering bread making, and added bagels to his repertoire! I am focusing on the BBQ - it may not be once a week but we are trying! I want to tackle one from Mario Batali. His orange book calls to me even as I sit here.

5. Books: stay tuned for my reviews at the end of the month for widely talked about The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo - Steig Larson and Generation A - Douglas Coupland.

As for the rest...well...there is still a month or so to go !

The adventures of Blondie

They say that caring for a new puppy is like having a baby, and while this may be true I will not be able to verify until having a child of my own. All I know for sure is that so much has changed and yet made so much better.

The connection has been made in the lack of sleep, the responsibility for another life, the frustration in lack of control. However, there should be a larger focus on the sweet cuddling, the sense of accomplishment when they learn, and of course the amount of time spent watching them sleep.

After an unusually difficult morning of chasing our cat, demanding him to play when he clearly did not want to - eating EVERYTHING possible outside and having TWO accidents in the house, it all seemed to melt away when I found her like this...

On the weekend, Blondie received her last shots and was cleared to meet other dogs, travel to new environments and interact with new people.

First stop - a lunch time BBQ at Dave's brother's and our sister-in-law's. We were excited to bring Blondie because she would be able to meet her not only her fur cousin Maurice, but also our nephew, Ivan.

Brother and sister-in-law, R and E respectively, are pro dog owners - they have fostered animals for over 5 years and have been lucky to adopt two wonderful dogs, the current being Maurice the poodle. Mau is perhaps the most well behaved balanced dog I have ever encountered and this was the first/best choice of dog to meet our Blondie. Not only would Mau be able to help Blondie understand how to play and behave at another dog's house but R and E would be able to help Dave and I as new dog parents.

The meet and rest of the afternoon was amazing. Maurice and Blondie became fast friends. Providing us with ample photo session time and entertainment.

and of course, it would not be complete until Dave or I made a video...

This one was put together by Dave

Being used to dogs, Ivan was happy to see another one and laughed as the two dogs ran and played. At the end of the video, you can some bystanders - Ivan and myself - happy to take in the puppy session.

My budding photographer husband got our money's worth in this candid photo

and here...

At the end of the afternoon we all were filled with delicious food and more importantly - love.

Blondie

After years of talks and dreaming followed by months of research and preparing, it only took one look to say...yes.

Faithful readers - I am pleased to introduce, Blondie.

Some info on Blondie:

- She is an 8 week old Shorkie (Shih-tu, Yorkie mix) currently about 4 pounds and will grow to be 8 pounds.

- She is named for her blonde hair and Debbie Harry

- Her older brother , Jack Sparrow, a cat - is still not sure how to react to her vivacious nature.

- she is adapting quite well to sleeping in a crate at night, but does not like when her older brother taunts her by strolling back and forth in front of her.

- she goes to the washroom outside, and has few accidents because her "I have to pee" nose to the ground looks exactly like her "where is that other 'puppy'" nose to the ground.

I think she looks similar to Valcor the luck dragon from "Never-ending Story" when she is all tuckered out.

Here is a little video I made of Blondie and Jack Sparrow's first meet

I need a summer camp

First week of my summer and I have to say I am finding it difficult...pick up your jaw from the floor and let me explain.

Ever since I could remember my summers have been scheduled.

I was given a choice of camps, but the only stipulations were that

- I could not be inside the majority of the day

- It had to be a full day program with early drop off and late pick up

- I could go to as many camps as I wanted BUT in total it had to span the entire summer (with some time off for family holidays etc)

So I would scour the town summer guide for the best camps, offering the best programs - pool days, field trips to the zoo, water parks and the clincher - the "end of session shows".

At a young age I joined the camps my friends attended - one of the fondest memories being of Mrs. Lee's art camp. For one week (if I remember correctly) 10 girls would take over Mrs. Lee's art basement and backyard to paint t-shirts, jean jackets (all the rage) among other things. Art was not my strong suit - but since a lot of my friends including my still best friend Jennie were signed up, so I was compelled to go. I would pout and beg Jennie to help me with my painting, and if i could find these masterpieces you would be able to see a clear difference between my work and the young budding artist in Jennie (or at this time in our life - Jenny). I put up with the art for the small theatre we did - for the session Mrs. Lee would create a lunch murder mystery - featuring a royal family, costumes and even an afternoon of etiquette lessons. To this day, I still maintain excellent table manners and I am usually the first to instruct others of which fork does what or what each glass is for.

Paired with this I joined a camp on Seneca campus and often did two back to back sessions of two weeks. After one summer made a good circle of friends that I would go on to spend 4 consecutive summers with - and later meet two of them 8 years later in University. It was here that I found my love of the stage and writing.

Summer to me was not about cottages, or sleeping in, or pool play dates. It was about making new friends, spending the day laughing, rolling in the grass, group games with a much needed popsicle break. It was about team sports, tie-dyed shirts, baseball hats and backpacks with a extra shoes, a lunch I often swapped or shared and loads of sunscreen that I never applied.

The day would end and I would spend dinner regaling about the day's event, who's who and maybe even who I had a crush on.

Now, years later I approach my first "summer off" and I have no scheduled job to attend, I have 2 teams that I am apart of - occupying 3 nights of my week - and I still miss the steady schedule of a summer camp.

let them have cake...

And we did...

Tuesday June 22, 2010

....of the cup variety.

the waiting...

I remember trying to imagine what it would be like, how it would feel. I tried to rationalize every thought and give myself answers that no one could answer.

Would I be in a lot of pain? (horrific, but, it will pass - unlike the 6 months of agony)

Would the pouch be noticeable, will it smell? (NO!)

Would my other organs miss my large intestine? (we will never know)

Would my small intestine revolt and cause mutiny when it realizes it has been cut of from it's bigger sibling? (hopefully not - but mediators will be on hand if needed)

Everyone tried to console me - tried to give me a comforting word but my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to think PAST the day, think of the wedding - think of running - think of all the amazing things I had missed out on. The simple things of being able to get my nails done or take a shower by myself.

We all waited in anticipation...

..thank god for brickbreaker and blackberries.

Comparing, Considering, Reflecting

I have to keep reminding myself of my mantra, repeating over and over, and the one that will be soon inked into the layers of my skin, there is "strength in retrospect".

This time last year I found out that the surgery I desperately needed to save my life was scheduled for the 22nd. So close, but at that time I just wanted to make it to that day.

I struggled each day with the basic mundane, routine tasks. Walking the 15 steps to a washroom often required assistance

One year ago today, I remember the surgeon's secretary saying "you will dance at your wedding day - we will see you Monday morning 6am." Those words exactly.

I had to text message my mom downstairs - not well enough to move from bed - busy on her cell phone she could not see my message.

It took me what seemed like hours to walk downstairs, pausing every 10 or so steps, sitting on the stairs to take a break.

I finally reached her office, no words just tears and she knew - and gave a hurried "I have to go - something just came up".

She reminded me - as she always does - that things are never as bad as they seem. Things were getting better - we have a surgery date.

We.

This wasn't just me sick, it was everyone.

However in that week to follow it did not get better, it got steadily worse before it got anywhere better. This week I am trying not to focus on last year, I focus on what is here, now. It is hard, as each day I am brought back to my worst, to my lowest. I fight now not for my health but just to remind myself that it's over, I am healthy now, I am safe now.

I keep looking to June 22 as the day I can actually live on, live past. This year was my transition - everything was looking back, comparing, considering, reflecting.

June 22 I can try to move on, move past.

But just like this day last year I need to focus on making it to that day...and then past it.

After June 22 it won't be a "last year at this time.."

It will be life.

Baby Love...

Last weekend I went to spend some much needed time with my cousin Kelly and the amazing little Kyla. It was a fantastic afternoon filled with great conversation, baby giggles, and the best mac and cheese ever.

I can't wait for a summer filled of cooking/baking lessons with Kelly!

Here are some pictures from the day...

"hey lady, can I put your iphone in my mouth?"

One day I am going to paint those little toenails...

"can you play the Beyonce song?"

note: Kyla is fascinated with the song and video of "Single Ladies" when frustrated, agitated or just generally cranky all that was needed was that song and she would be silent and mesmerized...It was a phenomena to be seen.

The next day, Dave and I went to celebrate his grandmother's 85th birthday and of course there was another baby filled afternoon with our nephew Ivan.

Spending some time with Zia...and a bag of Melba toast...

...all love for the little people.

Summer Days...So CLOSE

This summer I want to do a lot, so I thought it would be best to publicly announce, to those reading at least, my amazing-super-awesome summer list.

So without further ado and in no particular order

- Paint the spare room

- Alphabetize my books

- Install stainless steel shelves in the kitchen

- Join a beach volleyball team Signed up - start in July, one game a week!

- learn how to row Hopefully getting signed up to start in July, once a week AND a Regatta!

- Paint the kitchen

- Paint all 3 bathrooms

- Extend the patio

- Frame the basement

- Complete the wedding scrapbook

- Make Europe scrapbook

- Tend to the garden

- Go visit Nicole in Kelowna

- Continue weight training 4-5 days a week

- All inclusive vacation with friends

- Read 4 books (minimum) Between July & August

- Take Kyla swimming

- Visit with Ivan, be the best summer Zia ever!

- Try a new reciepe at least ever week (one sweet, one savoury)

- Maintain the blog with photo evidence

- Get a job for September!

....

I am sure I will add to this - but I think it's quite a hefty start to an amazing summer!

I hope to revisit this list throughout the summer and then once again at the end to see how I measured up!

Tackle the world

Yesterday I did a big closet(s) clean-out. A little late spring cleaning. Feels great to purge my life of some unwanted baggage. This is a giant hurdle as I usually don't like to part from clothes since I don't have many but I decided to let go and be rid of all that "extra" stuff. I had piles of clothes of "still could fit" or "wish could fit" but as Stacey and Clinton would say - this does not help and only adds extra stress. Now I am still on my own path of finding what my body can look like free from disease and I want to accentuate this amazing change even if sometimes I wish I could take a few inches off here, loose a little there - but then again, who doesn't!

I got Dave in the mix since he is also doing some serious work to change his body and had many items to be rid of - plus some extras that I felt MUST go. Now the closets are clear, organized and we have 2 Costco bags of clothes along with a few big tickets items for re-sell.

I am trying to be a little be more productive than reactionary. I want to be able to do more, accomplish more without all that "I would really like too". Even today I came home and tackled a few items off my to do list in a matter of 20 minutes. Now with them crossed off I feel like I could tackle any hurdle - perhaps even this stack of essays in front of me...or maybe I could so something else.

Keep things positive

It's early Friday evening - I just finished a crazy Friday workout with a trainer where we flipped tires, pulled weights the size of me and did too many push-ups that I lost count.

I am red faced and sweaty but that is exactly what I needed. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster since last weekend - with so many real amazing things happening to friends this past weekend (can't talk about it just yet) AND all the fake but seemingly all too real season finales. My heart can't keep up.

But on a funnier note - Mandy Moore was on the season finale of Grey's and of all things she is in for it's her second stage of reversal surgery. Which is what I will be doing some time in the future. I laughed when it was announced why she was there. She made jokes about her colostomy bag, and even though I have an ileostomy(slight difference in the gross factor) I could still sympathize and laugh with her while others would be grossed out. She did mention how gross it was which made me slightly frustrated, I would have hoped that she would continue her light humor to say "beats cancer/dying/being sick all the time!" but she didn't.

A friend of mine who also has an ileostomy e-mailed me to say how funny Mandy was and how I was probably the same way in the hospital - making jokes, trying to make the surgeons and doctors laugh. It is true - when I was having a good day, that was my goal. Doctors need a light side to their day - especially those specializing in the gastric system.

It was a good reminder to laugh, at everything, keep things positive. With so many things going wrong or being out of my control I am trying to remind myself that I have gotten through worse and I am still here.

So now on Friday night, after a great workout, endorphins pumping and long list of things to do I am ready for it.

Round Two Flu...FIGHT

With all my jokes aside, this flu is kicking my but!

Dave has been an amazing help and his line is always: "in sickness and in health". He has been my saving grace. Making soup, keeping things neat and clean (for me this is actually a big focus while I am sick) getting me juice and medicine. What a trooper! As my Nanna would say "che bello."

Thursday I felt okay - not great - just well enough to go to work, after a few blunders and mixed up things I should have clued in that I was indeed not well enough yet. Damn you stubborn gene! That night I ran some errands, ate an actual meal - first in a few days - and got to bed around 11. My dad's voice kept entering my head "you are always in a rush!" Good warning but as usual it fell on deaf ears.

At 2am I woke up suddenly with that unmistakable feeling in my stomach. I took one gravol and for every 40 minutes I felt the same cycle of "oh no I am going to be sick..." and then...nothing. The cycle continued until, from bed, Dave sharply instructed "you are NOT going to work today". I still insisted I was fine but by 6am I gave in and my stubborn gene subsided. I had a bunch of things to do outside of my classroom so in between my lovely retching I composed a to do list, as well as a bag of items needed for the day.

BUT - how to get it there. Ah, there's the rub.

I was in no position to be driving. Dave had a conference call - and by this time he made it known that he too was feeling under the weather. I thought of a few people in my area that I could call and ask to pick up the items but then refrained as I didn't want to be a burden. Now...who would be cray enough to pick these items up and drop them off for me without thinking I am crazy to do this while sick.

One word - mommy.

Yes. If there is one thing my mother is it's selfless. I called her and explained the situation and she immediately offered her help. "No problem! I can come and pick it up and drop it off for you!". Tears filled my eyes - no joke, they actually did. I wish I could say that this is the first time she has done something like this, but then I would be lying.

A while later I was in bed, dozing in and out of a gravol induced coma - I laugh at the label "may cause drowsiness", understatement of the century - when I heard an unmistakable voice below - my own angel with red acrylic nails, and a misplaced hair clip. She greeted Dave and the cat with the same loving voice. I heard her climb the stairs and quietly open the door to say the words she has repeated too many times...

"Hi Bella!"

This scene was all to familiar but in a way very comforting. Always there for the smallest of things without any thought or hesitation.... But more on my mother on Sunday. (Stay tuned!)

The rest of the day was a blur of sleeping, coughing, stuffed nose, upset stomach and more sleeping. I would start to watch a movie and then wake up to credits. Now at almost 10 pm I fid myself wide awake, with some energy and my first reaction is - I should start the laundry - but I breathe, I relax, and instead sit in front of my computer. After all - what is the rush! - see Ba, I do listen to you!

sick days...

With a red, stuffed/runny nose, sore throat and slight fever it is clear that I am battling some sort of cold/flu bug.

What started as potential food poisoning has turned out to actually be just a cold. Interesting.

I come from a family of doctors - not really, but they all feel qualified to diagnose with the help of the internet or old wives tales. On Sunday night as we celebrated the birth of my mother (blog to follow on that later) I kept saying how I felt "off".

"is it your stomach?", "have you pooped?", "did you drink enough water?", "maybe it was the butternut squash, too fibrous."

"no. yes. yes. no - geez everyone chill out I just feel 'blah'". That night both Dave and I had stomach aches leaving Monday as a sick day. It was revealed that the "real cream" strawberry shortcake might be the culprit. I was up early on Monday morning and decided that I had to deliver the birthday cake reserved for my friend/mentor Anne-Marie. No one needs a belated-belated birthday cake. I spent the rest of the day in bed, as I am now, with my laptop and plenty of internet randomness followed by some sleep. My throat began to throb and my nose became runny. Interesting new development. My team of doctors must be notified - their response "oh make sure you get plenty of fluids and rest" - oh really!?! I was planning on running that 5K!

As lame brained as I thought the advice was - I should have listened better.

Tuesday morning 2:30 am - can't sleep. Throat feels like daggers, can only breathe out of one nostril. Too hot, but without blankets, too cold. I get up. Straighten my hair. I know what you are thinking - WHY? - I thought I would make use of being awake and take care of some of the things I needed to get done after my 5:40 wake up call. This way I could post pone it to 6:30 without guilt. At 3am I leave to get Buckley's and orange juice at the local gas station - the man looks at me oddly, as if I am the first person to buy these items at 3am. I get back to sleep at 4, and the alarm wake me at 6:30.

I get to school and feel overwhelmed - so many things to take care of, there was an error when I imputed my absence yesterday causing some trouble - I feel guilty. Student Council needs me for 18 things, I need to prep my classes. By my first class I am wiped and an hour later after sweating through my shirt I think "hmm...do I have a fever?"

Pale faced I get the rest of my classes covered and on my way out face the usual "feel better" and "you look sick! You should go home".

I cry on the way home. Like I said, I hate being sick and this time it's even more emotional.

This was taken last year just 2 days ago.... at 7:35 in the morning - Mt. Sinai

I laugh at this because at this point - I was just bored, I was in hospital but was just being monitored, they were WAITING for something to happen so they could react rather than just prevent! I would be in pain everyday but nothing could be done...something had to happen first. Funny how that works....

I don't want to relive/rehash the past but in a year it's amazing that now I am dealing with just plain old common colds.

Even though I am hot/achy and can't breathe out of my nose... I would still stick with this over last year....

Now my giant starbucks tumbler comes in handy as both a very large container for cold tea AND a fantastic cold compress....

Urgh. I hate being sick....

Almost a month later - my sister's wedding re-cap

I keep telling myself to be more consistent but always find other things to fill my writing time. I wish I could say it would be other procrastinating methods but almost always it is something productive. Right now I wanted to finish my ironing, marking, planning but my keyboard is right here - how convenient...

The biggest news I wanted to blog about is my sister's wedding...in JAMAICA. Over the Easter weekend my entire family - with exception of a honeymooning cousin - and significant friends found ourselves in the middle of the most luxurious resort known to man. I have been to a few resorts with my family but nothing will equate to this one.

Check out this foyer...

the following photos were actually taken in the middle of the night when Dave went out for a stroll - however his fantastic new skills in photography allowed him to manipulate the light. I know there is probably a fancy word for it but I like to call it - magic.

This is a shot from my cousin's camera - a view from a shady bed under one of the many reserved "huts".

AMAZING ROOMS! During vacation to a sunny destination it is mandatory to spend as little time in your room as possible - however, it is always nice when you have decadence like this.

This was the business section - taken the day after the wedding, sorry for the continuity - usually these are the first pictures I take but I was so excited that I had completely forgotten my usual first day room shots.

What you can't see is the stack of marking I brought with me just in case I had "down time" - never happened. On the plane ride home I contemplated divvying out the work I had to passengers - that also never happened.

Love the patio - with our space pods and amazing view.

Grande foyer...please - do come in.

Did I mention the 24 hour butler and room service?

Oh and there was a pillow menu...yes a full descriptive page on 7 different pillows. Our party agreed that "economical" was the best pick.

Rain shower - that our group had heated debates about. "is it a good shower or not" - discuss...

I spent most of my time in the sun - they had these beds by the pool. Each day a new cousin would share it with me since the organizer of the trip - the lady responsible for this life of luxury - is my mom, and she wanted me to have sun. God love that women's lioness protective instincts.

We were all excited to sit in the sun - read some gossip mags and have a few laughs...

"I don't know why, but I don't like this lady" - no one does Dad...

Okay so we were actually there for one reason - to see this...

Early in the morning I was answered the phone and before I could mumble: "too early - go back to bed". I heard the bright voice of my sister: "I'm getting married today! meet us for breakfast - 20 minutes".

Please note - this place made their own mini donuts fresh each morning - I only had 2 the whole trip. I felt this was commitment enough considering the amount of beverages I would consume.

Don't worry - as Maid of Honour I can handle this mayhem... urgh my milk to coffee ratio is completely off now!

Getting my sister ready was surreal - I was so focused on all those strings and ties I wish I could access the picture, hopefully that will follow after.

Michelle was very relaxed - I chalk that up to a great Maid of Honour - and I know that sounds like I am boasting but consider this: Michelle was my Maid of Honour, and both of us were relaxed and laughing as we got ready for our respective big days - must be something in the sister bond.

It was a perfect set-up, and very "Michelle". I am just surprised that we didn't come in horseback. There was a steel drum band playing and although Michelle wanted the traditional "canon in B" (or whatever it's called) to play her down the aisle, I insisted she have her other favourite song play the bridal party in - so we all walked in to "somewhere over the rainbow"

I was determined not to cry - so the best way to do that was to keep laughing, and have other laugh with me... Look at the picture below - see that brown small platform leading to the beach - yes, Steve and I decided to jump from it to enter in as Best Man and Maid of Honour. What I found even more funny was that when we did it - you could hear the bride's side (family) saying: "oh Jackie.." I thought it was original but apparently they all knew I was going to do something.

Here we all are - waiting for the Bride!

There she is!

Dearly beloved...

At this point I could not hold back tears...but did laugh when Nanna came up during the ceremony to fix a bridesmaid's dress.

Love a wedding that demands flip-flops...

Yay! you're married!

Fun Fact - Michelle and I wore the same shoes on our wedding - cute sister stuff...

I thought it would be cute to write "Michelle and Danny April 3, 2010 - JAM-ROCK" in the sand...

William had other ideas of what we should write in the sand...

It's okay though - I still love him...

Photo taken by my cousin - amazing work Stef, even if Rafaella demanded this shot. Diva.

Being someone who loves to talk, and doesn't mind big crowds - I was terrifed for my speech. Writing it caused a wastebin full of kleenex.

My sister has been my constant.

We all laughed when I forgot my champagne flute at my own table - but luckily the best man had left his behind so when I realized my mistake i recovered by saying: "So raise your glass.. (grabbing best man's left over glass) sure I'll drink this - it seems to be the motto of this trip..."

Now, I wanted to end my speech with a great quote - "May the best of your today, be the worst of your tomorrow". To me it wasn't just a tribute to their wonderful relationship, but really a message to my sister. She had found the person that would not abuse her caring nature but rather protect it.

I would love to say how this was delivered perfectly, with great cadence to make the crowd all sigh...but instead all that was heard was "ummm??". That is because, I essentially cursed them - I was trying so hard not to cry that I ended up reversing best and worst! I made an awkward recovery, and everyone laughed - and then I shrunk off into a corner and gulped down whatever drink was in front of me.

Michelle had these personalized cake toppers made - again, very Michelle.

Momma with her two married "daurs"

Afterwards, we were all heading to the disco - that is everyone except Dave and I. The party went back to get out of wedding clothes and into "disco" clothes and when I arrived in the room I found Dave sick in bed, shaking from sun stroke. Worst I have ever seen - on anybody.

Lesson learnt - however, if there is one thing you learn on a trip with your ENTIRE family - it is that EVERYONE will comment on your burns. As if you never noticed you had this searing skin that was painful to the touch.

"Hey, you got really burnt?!" "Did you put on sunscreen?", "You should sit in the shade today".

The last day went by too fast - before we knew it were were packing our bags, meeting in the lobby and having our last bottle of "WATA" - yes that was the actual brand name of bottled water.

Now almost a month has passed and I have finally posted a blog. Michelle and Danny I love you both. Danny, I am excited that I may actually have a teammate now against the vicious "team Dave and Michelle".