Light up the Darkness

It takes incredible strength to go through heartache; to overcome a loss, an illness or change.

Sometime ago, I documented my 2009 year, a year of change, a year of worry and strife, now of which I call retrospective strength. I plan on tattooing that phrase on my back in order to commemorate the year behind me, the incredible strength of overcoming personal illness and recuperation - as well as the strength of those who stood beside me.

This philosophical endeavour came to me when Blondie was spayed - I know it's just a dog but indulge me a moment. I brought her home from the vet dazed, confused and in pain. I sat with her on the couch with her in my lap and in her haze, she would, wobbling, stand on my lap confused and look at me - a small whine and then whimper until I would gently place her back in my lap. I would well up with tears watching her - confused, tired, in pain- and think "I can't help you". I called my mom and told her just how upset I was that I couldn't do anything and realized as I spoke with her - I am speaking about a dog to a woman that sat 18 hours a day for months on end by a hospital bed watching her daughter fight the very same - confused, tired and in pain. My mom gently said "just be there, she will be comforted". I think my mom realized the connection as well.

~

Recently I have seen those around me suffer the same - a grief of loss or change that is uncontrollable. I find myself in a position where I cannot step in to help, I cannot ease pain but in my heart I know just a fraction of what they are feeling I have been on the "same plain" of hurt. You feel like your body is betraying you and that you will never be the same. Although this is true, we are irrevocably changed, it is a strength we must find to continue on. A very dear friend, almost a sister, said to me "we are all walking with blinders on not even paying attention to the people around us when really we could be passing people in the very same position. It's like 'wake up' people we could go through this together!" She does admit that it took her some time before she herself could "wake-up" and speak to others regarding her grief, but she does speak now, she communicates about change, and how from darkness she steps into light.

I am a positive person, I pride myself on this fact. However, there are times when I can now speak about 2009 with my "retrospective strength" but in my mind I recall the lowest points. The points where I did not feel the next day was going to come.

But it does.

so to those who may struggle, as the immortal Bob Marley says "light up the darkness"