Comparing, Considering, Reflecting

I have to keep reminding myself of my mantra, repeating over and over, and the one that will be soon inked into the layers of my skin, there is "strength in retrospect".

This time last year I found out that the surgery I desperately needed to save my life was scheduled for the 22nd. So close, but at that time I just wanted to make it to that day.

I struggled each day with the basic mundane, routine tasks. Walking the 15 steps to a washroom often required assistance

One year ago today, I remember the surgeon's secretary saying "you will dance at your wedding day - we will see you Monday morning 6am." Those words exactly.

I had to text message my mom downstairs - not well enough to move from bed - busy on her cell phone she could not see my message.

It took me what seemed like hours to walk downstairs, pausing every 10 or so steps, sitting on the stairs to take a break.

I finally reached her office, no words just tears and she knew - and gave a hurried "I have to go - something just came up".

She reminded me - as she always does - that things are never as bad as they seem. Things were getting better - we have a surgery date.

We.

This wasn't just me sick, it was everyone.

However in that week to follow it did not get better, it got steadily worse before it got anywhere better. This week I am trying not to focus on last year, I focus on what is here, now. It is hard, as each day I am brought back to my worst, to my lowest. I fight now not for my health but just to remind myself that it's over, I am healthy now, I am safe now.

I keep looking to June 22 as the day I can actually live on, live past. This year was my transition - everything was looking back, comparing, considering, reflecting.

June 22 I can try to move on, move past.

But just like this day last year I need to focus on making it to that day...and then past it.

After June 22 it won't be a "last year at this time.."

It will be life.