Light up the Darkness

It takes incredible strength to go through heartache; to overcome a loss, an illness or change.

Sometime ago, I documented my 2009 year, a year of change, a year of worry and strife, now of which I call retrospective strength. I plan on tattooing that phrase on my back in order to commemorate the year behind me, the incredible strength of overcoming personal illness and recuperation - as well as the strength of those who stood beside me.

This philosophical endeavour came to me when Blondie was spayed - I know it's just a dog but indulge me a moment. I brought her home from the vet dazed, confused and in pain. I sat with her on the couch with her in my lap and in her haze, she would, wobbling, stand on my lap confused and look at me - a small whine and then whimper until I would gently place her back in my lap. I would well up with tears watching her - confused, tired, in pain- and think "I can't help you". I called my mom and told her just how upset I was that I couldn't do anything and realized as I spoke with her - I am speaking about a dog to a woman that sat 18 hours a day for months on end by a hospital bed watching her daughter fight the very same - confused, tired and in pain. My mom gently said "just be there, she will be comforted". I think my mom realized the connection as well.

~

Recently I have seen those around me suffer the same - a grief of loss or change that is uncontrollable. I find myself in a position where I cannot step in to help, I cannot ease pain but in my heart I know just a fraction of what they are feeling I have been on the "same plain" of hurt. You feel like your body is betraying you and that you will never be the same. Although this is true, we are irrevocably changed, it is a strength we must find to continue on. A very dear friend, almost a sister, said to me "we are all walking with blinders on not even paying attention to the people around us when really we could be passing people in the very same position. It's like 'wake up' people we could go through this together!" She does admit that it took her some time before she herself could "wake-up" and speak to others regarding her grief, but she does speak now, she communicates about change, and how from darkness she steps into light.

I am a positive person, I pride myself on this fact. However, there are times when I can now speak about 2009 with my "retrospective strength" but in my mind I recall the lowest points. The points where I did not feel the next day was going to come.

But it does.

so to those who may struggle, as the immortal Bob Marley says "light up the darkness"

I don't want to alarm you..

But you have a shark on your lap.

...and that's not a euphemism.

Marking will be the end of me.

If ever you wonder - "hey, why doesn't Jackie update as often as she used to" - not that I ever was a regular poster, or that you would even bother with such frivolous things.

Either way...below is the reason why I don't really get to do things I enjoy

marking, marking, marking and more marking. This is the aftermath of procrastination.

There is good news and bad news:

The good news is I finished AND was still able to do some other things I wanted : search for halloween costumes, laundry, clean the house AND finish watching the 3rd season of Mad Men.

The bad news is - I am collecting 2 other assignments this week.

It never ends.

10 Days is all it takes

I started the following blog a week or so ago (about 10 days)... please read:

I think it is safe to say now here in blog land that Dave and I are searching for a new home. After visiting my cousin's gorgeous new home we left with aspirations of our future. Where we wanted to be, what the house would look like. This was of course after a large argument which in reality did not come from anger, and was not even directed at one another, but rather just the outcome of usual frustrations. The largest being - my job. Sadly, being a contract teacher, my job is considered "unstable" as I am not permanent. I am only in my second year (I never count the year I was sick) so in all respect, I am doing much better than other who cannot even get on the supply list - so I am grateful!

Either way, we were frustrated with not being able to move forward, gain more space and most importantly, move closer to family. Within the day, Dave had created a budget and contacted our mortgage specialist. By the end of the long weekend we had been tentatively cleared for an amazing price range and we started looking at homes. Now a week later from all this Dave has spent days perfecting the budget to ensure that we still have "mad money" (read: Lulu lemon shopping sprees) and of course a nest egg/rainy day fun. Now we just need to find the perfect home that meets our (read: my) looooong list of "must haves". This presents excitement, a challenge and most important a much needed and desired change. I will be sure to keep you all in the loop on our exciting search.

....

Well - now, as I said this was 10 days ago - and currently as I take a break from my marking I look up to the overhead printer to see that Dave is printing off our tentative mortgage information (or something of the like). That's right - we bought a house.A gorgeous 2600 sq. ft home, meeting all our requirements and then some. Most importantly it's closer to family and friends - best of all, 5 small blocks from my sister.

We don't move until June 2011 - so stayed tuned for all the home details I prepare in the meanwhile.

A month!? really!?

Oh hi Blog. it's been forever since I updated you - one day short of a month!

So since it has been so very long, let's recap what has happened in a month's time.

I have to say I am proud of myself and my teaching abilities in math. I have worked hard to review concepts, and in some cases outright learn them, and then I make sure I have ample ways to teach my disengaged students. Dave has been a huge help and practices his patience to teach me, or answer my questions. He has also reminded me that in this "challenge", I am also conquering a big regret in my life. Often I look back and think in remorse of my former inabilities in the subject, and even though I am no where near an academic level, I feel more confident and capable everyday.

I had just misunderstood math but in reality we share many similarities - we only have one right answer, there is a strict method and order and if you follow it you will be rewarded with a correct answer. We both have unanswered variables that we need to solve by sorting out, or balancing.

...but in the end I am an English teacher to the core, as you may have noticed I just created a comparison of math to my own life and persona.

On September 23, my heart was heavy as I glared at my calendar and the event of "Bernies Birthday". He would have been 40. I wrote on his Facebook wall, I had to acknowledge it somehow and for me I guess that was the best way.

Then again on October 1st, a lump in my throat stuck as I walked through the doors of a big charity event. A charity bash created by and for my friend Lindsay - raising awareness and funds for brain tumor research. This would be the first bash without her. As Cheryl and I walked in we heard a video playing and were able to catch the last few moments. An amazing tribute to a strong woman and all the good she had done. In the end they played a clip of her speaking from the first bash night. It was the first time I heard her speak in a year, and although I had looked at pictures often there is something about a voice that we can never imagine or recreate. To end the video was a clip of Linds dancing like a fool- a video that had been on facebook for a while but without sound. On this night they had added Madonna's "Hung Up" - and amazingly light and fun way to end the video and keep things positive. Later I spoke with good friends and as we recounted memories I noted that this would be one pain that I just don't think I will ever be rid of. It may get easier to speak about as time goes on but I don't think the pain will ever go. Before leaving a purchased a silver 'B' necklace and haven't taken it off since.

On a lighter note on September 30 I turned 27. I am always excited for birthdays but I never plan anything because it almost always ends in disappointment. This year I opted for dinner on Friday with friends and a walk through Nuit Blanche. My mom had given Dave and I a comp. night for a Toronto hotel, and my in-laws agreed happily to watch Blondie (our little furbaby). A wonderful night all around!

B and I celebrating at dinner - he was born on the 29th.

Dave and I doing what we do best - be silly.

can't type. too tired.

day two completed and I am wiped.

can barely stay awake and if it wasn't for an impromptu skype call to Australia I would be in bed by now.

...and now I'm off.

More details as I regain consciousness.

here is a picture of my favourite little guy

Blondie update

In other news, little pup Blondie is adapting well to being home alone for a longer span - I hope she keeps this up as mid-terms or exams come around!

Here is her latest, and greatest "trick"

...watch for the leap!