let them have cake...

And we did...

Tuesday June 22, 2010

....of the cup variety.

the waiting...

I remember trying to imagine what it would be like, how it would feel. I tried to rationalize every thought and give myself answers that no one could answer.

Would I be in a lot of pain? (horrific, but, it will pass - unlike the 6 months of agony)

Would the pouch be noticeable, will it smell? (NO!)

Would my other organs miss my large intestine? (we will never know)

Would my small intestine revolt and cause mutiny when it realizes it has been cut of from it's bigger sibling? (hopefully not - but mediators will be on hand if needed)

Everyone tried to console me - tried to give me a comforting word but my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to think PAST the day, think of the wedding - think of running - think of all the amazing things I had missed out on. The simple things of being able to get my nails done or take a shower by myself.

We all waited in anticipation...

..thank god for brickbreaker and blackberries.

Comparing, Considering, Reflecting

I have to keep reminding myself of my mantra, repeating over and over, and the one that will be soon inked into the layers of my skin, there is "strength in retrospect".

This time last year I found out that the surgery I desperately needed to save my life was scheduled for the 22nd. So close, but at that time I just wanted to make it to that day.

I struggled each day with the basic mundane, routine tasks. Walking the 15 steps to a washroom often required assistance

One year ago today, I remember the surgeon's secretary saying "you will dance at your wedding day - we will see you Monday morning 6am." Those words exactly.

I had to text message my mom downstairs - not well enough to move from bed - busy on her cell phone she could not see my message.

It took me what seemed like hours to walk downstairs, pausing every 10 or so steps, sitting on the stairs to take a break.

I finally reached her office, no words just tears and she knew - and gave a hurried "I have to go - something just came up".

She reminded me - as she always does - that things are never as bad as they seem. Things were getting better - we have a surgery date.

We.

This wasn't just me sick, it was everyone.

However in that week to follow it did not get better, it got steadily worse before it got anywhere better. This week I am trying not to focus on last year, I focus on what is here, now. It is hard, as each day I am brought back to my worst, to my lowest. I fight now not for my health but just to remind myself that it's over, I am healthy now, I am safe now.

I keep looking to June 22 as the day I can actually live on, live past. This year was my transition - everything was looking back, comparing, considering, reflecting.

June 22 I can try to move on, move past.

But just like this day last year I need to focus on making it to that day...and then past it.

After June 22 it won't be a "last year at this time.."

It will be life.

Baby Love...

Last weekend I went to spend some much needed time with my cousin Kelly and the amazing little Kyla. It was a fantastic afternoon filled with great conversation, baby giggles, and the best mac and cheese ever.

I can't wait for a summer filled of cooking/baking lessons with Kelly!

Here are some pictures from the day...

"hey lady, can I put your iphone in my mouth?"

One day I am going to paint those little toenails...

"can you play the Beyonce song?"

note: Kyla is fascinated with the song and video of "Single Ladies" when frustrated, agitated or just generally cranky all that was needed was that song and she would be silent and mesmerized...It was a phenomena to be seen.

The next day, Dave and I went to celebrate his grandmother's 85th birthday and of course there was another baby filled afternoon with our nephew Ivan.

Spending some time with Zia...and a bag of Melba toast...

...all love for the little people.